Aug. 21st, 2014 10:46 pm
hazellexkiss: (Fuma)
[personal profile] hazellexkiss
School has started. I probably never mentioned, but this is my second year in University.

This is only the second week of school, and I am stressed. Already.

The number one thing stressing me is how competitive my peers are. (The worse part is that I never realised this >: until now). I've never really cared about grades and getting onto the dean's list. In fact, my grades in my first year were not absolutely not ideal. I practically collected a bunch of Cs. And I didn't really mind then. I tried.

I discovered that I always take time to adjust to things. And university is taking quite a long time to adjust to.

Friends didn't really matter in university. Having a "college life" was not really in any of our books. "College life" consisted of preparing for lectures, preparing for tutorials, catching up with readings, participating in class, and then gradually it becomes more of a race to catch up with everything. There is no time for friends.At least, not the kind I wanted.

What I had in my first year, was a circle of friends, that I was (to put it in a crude way) stuck with. Don't get me wrong, they were nice people. The 7 of us were sort of a clique. At the very least, the rest of the school thought we were a clique, and sadly I suppose that was what really mattered. I couldn't connect with the 6 of them. I felt that I was working so hard to maintain our friendship (talking niceties, talking about the weather, talking about work, work, work) that hanging out with them became a chore. It became tiresome. So I gradually withdrew into myself.

Instead of finding them during breaks, I sought refuge in the library. It is rather sad that I found more comfort and felt so much more at ease in the library on my own. However, sometimes, the library provided no comfort to me, and I would just head home.

That was how most of my year as a Freshman was spent. Avoiding people. Being alone. Trying to remain friendly and open, but not inviting people to further any relationship with me because I preferred to be alone.

That was also how I spent my summer vacation. Alone at home. Most of the time anyway.

However, this summer, I worked on a couple of projects. 2 of them were school-related. And in 1 of them, I think I've found someone that I could connect to. It's almost like love at first sight. (the friendship kind of love hahaha :P)

Anyway, that was how I spent my summer.

But the rest of my peers did not spend such a luxurious and laid-back summer. Nope.

They were all busy working. Interning. Trying to get ahead of everyone else.

And while I spent the last few weeks of summer dreading school and bumming around. My peers were busy applying for the next round of internships that would take place in December this year.

Now I know.

Do I regret not interning during Summer? A little.

Do I regret not studying harder during my freshman year? Maybe, but not really.

Now, I am STRESSED. .

Internships. Jobs. Specialising.

These 3 words keep rolling around in my brain.

I'm so confused and stressed.

All I can do is pray.

At least, so far my second year seems like a less...lonesome year. I've found a buddy...or maybe even two or three buddies.

I don't know how things will work out...but I'm hoping for the best.

At times like this, looking at people like Fuma, Kento, Shori and Sho-kun motivates me. Especially Fuma...

how can they juggle the life of an idol, the life of a college student and the life of a teenager at the same time?
how can they get good grades, sing so well, dance so well, remember all the words to a song, the moves to a dance?
How do they manage to do radio broadcasts, variety programmes, talk shows, performances and concerts while at the same time having to meet the demands of school, of friends and family and a social life at the same time?

I don't understand it.

But I guess it's the resolve they have. They know what they want. They want to be an idol. They want to have a degree. To have both, they are willing to work hard.

In contrast, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm working hard for. And therefore, I'm bummed out and flopping around, while they are shining so brightly....



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